Well FORGET what Momma Thumper said - did you hear what happened to her? It's true, she died in prison.She started back in the 60's with mild antidepressants to deal with the inner pain and turmoil brought on by subduing her voice and true self. From there, she turned to harder and harder drugs like oxycotin, and finally got a prozac prescription which made her suicidal and crazy. She was in the slammer for 15 days (and about to get out on parole for good behavior) for erratic driving when an inmate accidentally stepped on her in the laundry. The end.
Momma Thumper meant well, of course. She wanted Thumper to be nice, and the only thing wrong with that is the damaging extremes "niceness" gets carried to. For many people, "nice" trumps EVERYTHING. If they were getting beat up, they might say "Please don't" rather than taking a swing back or throwing something.
You've heard names for the place where overly nice people wind up: pleaser, doormat, wimp, chicken, nothing. Zero. I like that word best because it describes the impact you can have on the world when unwilling to face any conflict.
Anyway, just because you didn't say it doesn't mean a thing or thought or feeling isn't there and isn't real. Denial doesn't just leave bad things unresolved and good things undeveloped, it drains you, damages your health, builds regrets, and wastes lives.
Go ahead and argue for these well-intentioned cowards who add so much sweetness to the world. I disagree. I see them passing their spineless behavior on to many others around them.
It's not that I don't appreciate their kind words, selfless service, and hot cookies, it's that they COULD HAVE BEEN sooo much more if they took that thoughtfulness and HIT THE WORLD OVER THE HEAD with it instead of timidly whispering it to whoever didn't mind listening. That would have been inspiring. That would have empowered people to stand up and be counted, to make a difference.
Anyway, kind words (and hot cookies) go down better from a strong personality who can deliver them with the force needed to imprint them deeply into your self image. See for yourself:
- Example One: "Gee, you're really smart, just like everyone else I always say this to!"
- Example Two: "Holy Cow, you're freaking brilliant!"
- Example Three: "Yo! Eat these cookies for being such a genius. Don't share them with the morons."
How did I develop such rich insight into the institutionally nice? Well, I spent a lot of my life being one of them. There, I said it. I'm not ashamed. I wasn't just nice because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, either. It wasn't Thumper's mother's fault - I was, in some cases, simply afraid of what would come back at me if I stood up and said what I thought. I took the path of least resistance, and I'm sorry.
Here's a new message for the ridiculously nice: "Tell the truth." The real truth. The honest truth. You'll find it's the best policy.
I met a girl named Annie a few weeks ago, and while she sometimes offers a little apology for it, she speaks her mind. She tells it as she sees it. She says exactly what she wants. She points out what she thinks I should consider doing differently and muses briefly over any weaknesses she observes.
It doesn't come across as pushy or critical, which is probably because she won't be hurt if I don't take her advice and she's not worried about how I will react. She's not attached. I am me and she is she and while she may offer commentary, she doesn't try to control. I try to listen openly so as to not discourage her continued feedback.
Not only is her input frequently helpful, but talking with her is so refreshing! No games, no fear, no worry. In place of a blase' exchange of pleasantries, I get to experience a rich exchange of sometimes-challenging ideas and new perspectives. It's better than mere entertainment, it's learning, growth and expansion. Rather than just killing time, our conversations create lasting satisfaction and increased potential.
Honestly, it's so nice to hear what people really think and feel.
4 comments:
No: This cannot be true!
"How did I develop such rich insight into the institutionally nice? Well, I spent a lot of my life being one of them. There, I said it. I'm not ashamed. I wasn't just nice because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, either. It wasn't Thumper's mother's fault - I was, in some cases, simply afraid of what would come back at me if I stood up and said what I thought. I took the path of least resistance, and I'm sorry."
It is surprising to me.
This girl you've met, she sounds too good to be true. No one can be that honest. That real.
Or perhaps it is alarming to me that others can live behind such banality.
Heart, Ms. Plankton.
We could all use more friends like that.
Makes you think twice about what is "nice." I had a friend once who left me a lengthy voice message saying, among other strange things, "You're just so nice." I was perplexed.
Hmmmm....one more thing to question about my own character! :)
C.S. Lewis makes a great point about "nice" in The Problem of Pain. He points out that kindness can tolerate anything but suffering. Love allows for suffering when it's for the cathexis' good, as often is true.
I liked the idea of people being institutionally nice. The Relief Society Presidency is SO nice to your face. That have to be.
I wish I could live in pioneer times. Living off the land, the Lord and our neighbors. When a handshake, a nod and our word were all that was needed. We had our gossips but had no need to be fake. We were focused on our familes and on living.
But isn't that niceness a secutiry blanket too? We all do it, jsut to different degrees. I do wish I could ALWAYS speak my mind. I agree with Ms. Plankton, nobody can be that honest.
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