Ready or not?

I need to call my clients back. I need to check up on how their amazing progress has continued, book appointments and collect referrals. I need to complete my materials for classes I'll soon teach on The Power of Choice, The Four Standards, Super Connection and whatever other projects I've been working on, which are largely designed to introduce people to my brand of energy work and attract new clients.

But.

I don't feel like it. Actually, I do, kinda, now, but I've been needing to do this for over a week. I was fairly sick for the past week so I have an excuse there. Before that, though, I wanted to be a bit more clear first. A bit more of my very best self. I wanted to be more ready.

My insightful friend Terelle pointed this out to me last time we spoke. It's a pattern of mine, that I wait to be more "ready" and thereby miss out on many grand opportunities. She's right. I thought back to so many things I could have done if I had forgotten about being ready and just gone for it! The realization made me want to kick myself. I hate regret.

I'm sure I've always been this way, deep down. Many things came easily to me and I learned fast. Those things I dove into headlong and loved the thrill and challenge of making it all turn out right. Things that didn't come easily, however, I often avoided and gave up on. They made me uncomfortable and I didn't have the courage to face that discomfort. Lots of examples come to mind but I won't bore you with the details.

Besides, Terelle added. "You ARE ready! You're SO ready!" And again, she's right. I do good work! I change lives with my gifts in about an hour at a time! I AM ready!

But...I could be even MORE ready! I've been working on what seems like the "last" of my deepest foundational issues. The ones that have made some things difficult. Once clear, moving forward will be so much easier!

And this approach makes sense - why not? Why not invest just one more week when it will make everything so much better? I'll also be able to help people that much more, I rationalize, because once I'm clear about something, I can help people with the same issues so much the faster.

Sometimes I intentionally choose to run before I'm ready, because I want that challenge. I want to uncertainty and challenge. I want to know that, when necessary, I CAN face discomfort and get things done despite them. But there seem to be two entirely separate categories of what I like to face before I'm "ready" and what I don't.

A friend from search and rescue once told me that "You're not afraid of anything. And if you are, you run toward it!" She was only half right. Physical challenges, for example, where I knew I could succeed, or where I knew the worst that could happen was a little fear or fatigue, rarely stopped me.

Like the first big cliff I ever skied off. I thought about the landing, decided I'd be safe, turned off my brain and slid over the edge. After asking about a solo climb of a steep, snow-covered 12,000' mountain that I had just completed, a mountaineering buddy told me "You won't admit that anything is hard unless you can barely do it."

The other half of the equation, though, the things I steered clear of, were those things I was sure I would fail at. The things that I know I would only make worse by trying. The things that didn't necessarily heal with a little R&R.

After a series of break ups, for example, and one exquisitely disappointing one in particular, I found myself reluctant to take another big chance in the romance department. I had always had this deep fear of trying for the ones that really mattered, the ones I really wanted, but after missing too many good opportunities, I finally reached the point where I began taking my chances anyway and laying it all on the line. When those failed too many times, however, I stopped. I wanted to regroup and figure out how to make it work before inviting that sort of damage again.

Theoretically, I could have lowered my expectations. I could have settled. I could have traded in my dreams and driven a nice Realitymobile off the lot. This applies primarily to relationships and career choices. In fact, however, I already knew myself too well to talk myself out of what I knew I wanted. I knew what was on my wish list and what could not be sacrificed. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone to try and pretend it was otherwise.

I found my new strategy as the decision to go back to the beginning and clear out all my subconscious fears and issues and cobwebs so I could make a truly fresh attempt without their weight dragging me back down to the bottom of the ocean. I decided to start over and do it all right this time.

And that is the plan that I feel like I'm finally winning. I'm getting there. I'm learning fast and changing and noticing the difference in many ways. I think it was a good decision. I wish I could say something more hero-like, like "I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps and made it work out." But things don't always work that way. I know. I tried. I failed. Repeatedly.

And now here I am. On the verge of being the person I always expected of myself, only better, because I couldn't have imagined this self while I still held onto all the old garbage I carried around inside me.

And now I have a choice. I can go forward right now, knowing I'm ready, if not perfectly, or I can take just a few more moments to sit back and prepare, to get my inner work done first to make the outer work easy and pleasant.

I guess the inner battle over this question is based on the assumption that I should get to work right now vs. the fact that preparation makes everything work so much better and seems like a wise plan. It's like the decision to commit troops to a conflict or depend on diplomatic resolution. The best choice depends on which will be effective and what costs are associated with each option, including time spent waiting and opportunities lost in the mean time.

In the end, it doesn't matter. I'm ready. The battle is ending. All the casualties will soon be forgotten and my world will get back to the business of living and working and loving and whatever else I can expect from this inner land of the free.